


Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Snark, or, Santa!Snape

by angeleledhwen (kallistei), eledhwen (kallistei)



Series: Silliness and Subtitles, or, Addlepated Adolescent Fantasies [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-12-28
Updated: 2002-12-28
Packaged: 2018-02-05 22:29:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1834480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kallistei/pseuds/angeleledhwen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kallistei/pseuds/eledhwen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Extreme silliness, featuring Santa!Snape and Elf!Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Snark, or, Santa!Snape

**Author's Note:**

> It's all Diana Wolf's fault. The title was kindly donated by [](http://inteligrrl.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://inteligrrl.livejournal.com/)**inteligrrl**.

_The Great Hall at Hogwarts, decorated for Christmas. Several large trees are present. The pupils are sitting at their house tables, the teachers at the High Table. Dumbledore and Snape stand in front of the High Table. Snape is dressed in a Santa suit, complete with wig and fake beard. Harry, at the Gryffindor table, is dressed as one of Santa's elves, albeit one with a rather reduced material budget._

Dumbledore: Alright boys and girls, I'm sure we're all very grateful to Professor Snape for agreeing to be Santa this year.

Snape _(aside, to Dumbledore)_ : Agreeing, Albus? I don't remember _agreeing_ to any... mpffmf.

Dumbledore: My, that's a most unfortunate accident to have with an elasticated beard, Severus. Do try and be careful, we wouldn't want to deprive the children of their Santa, now would we?

Severus: Merlin forbid such a tragedy.

Dumbledore _(twinkling)_ : I'm so glad you agree with me, dear boy. Now, why don't you go and take your place, hmm?

_Snape trudges to the seat set before the largest tree and slumps into it._

Dumbledore: For those of you unfamiliar with this _delightful_ Muggle custom, the children line up before Santa. For their turn, they take a seat on his lap... _(Here, distinctly lustful gleams can be seen in the eyes of several pupils, among them Draco and Harry. Some teachers are noticeably upset about being left out)_

Snape _(aghast)_ : Lap?!?! Albus, you didn't say anything about... mpfmfff.

Dumbledore _(faintly threatening)_ : Do be careful, Severus. I'm sure you're intelligent enough not to need to be told thrice.

Snape _(defeated)_ : Yes, sir. _(He straightens up and visibly prepares himself for a horrific torture.)_

Dumbledore: Now, where was I? Oh yes, the children are then asked if they have been good this year, and what they would like for Christmas. They then receive a gift.

_Pupils begin to move sneakily towards Snape._

Dumbledore: Line up, children. No fighting, now. Professor Snape has presents for all of you. Yes, that's good. All right, who's that in the front row? Go ahead.

_Snape manages to get through a few first- and second- years without any incident, apart of course, from the deadly scowl on his face. Draco has made his way to the front of the queue, Harry just behind him._

Snape: Ah, Draco. Sit.

Draco _(lasciviously)_ : My... pleasure, sir.

_A vaguely fearful expression crosses Snape's face. However, daunted by Dumbledore's intent appraisal, he allows Draco to sit on his lap._

Snape _(rushing his words out as quickly and flatly as possible)_ : Draco, have you been a good boy this year?

_Harry looks worried._

Draco: Oh _yes_ , sir.

Snape _(clearly apprehensive)_ : And what would you like for Christmas?

Draco _(plastering a charming smile onto his face and reaching up to stroke Snape's cheek)_ : You. _(Pause)_ Sir.

_Snape gulps, but offers no reaction._

Harry _(indignant)_ : Get your hands off my Santa, er, Snape this instant, Draco, you conniving little minx!

Snape _(addressing Draco, coming back to himself)_ : Only in your addlepated adolescent fantasies. Get off my lap, you wretched little boy.

Draco _(sadly)_ : Yes, sir.

Harry _(bouncing)_ : Oooh! My turn now!

Snape: Harry, have you been a good boy this year?

Harry _(grinning)_ : Oh _no_ , sir. You know that. _(Meaningful look.)_

Snape: _(Groans)_ Don't remind me. What's the next question? Oh yes. What would you like for Christmas?

Harry _(conspiratorially, leaning closer)_ : I want a vibrating egg for Christmas. Santa baby. _(He wriggles in a meaningful manner.)_

Snape _(gasping)_ : Oh Merlin. Keep doing that and you can have anything you bloody well want.

Harry _(raises eyebrows)_ : Oh really? _(Whispers)_ And what if what I want is a good, hard... _(falls below audible level)_

Snape _(recovering somewhat at the prospect of nookie)_ : Is that all? Easily dealt with, Harry.

Harry _(promisingly)_ : And if _you're_ good, I'll even lick your candy cane.

_Snape suddenly stands up holding Harry and begins to walk out of the Hall to shocked gazes from all and sundry, dignity unaffected by his Santa suit and Harry's Elf costume._

Fade to black.

Roll end credits.


End file.
